Confessions of a frustrated astronaut

It's as if I went back to my childhood.

Listening to our lecturer in Special Topics in Astronomy in our Physics 10 class made me go back to my obsession - yes, I call it obsession - when I was still a kid: astronomy. As a kid, I grew up fascinated with stars, planets, heavenly bodies, meteors, comets, galaxies - name all the celestial objects that are being studied and observed in Astronomy. I remember reading Science encyclopedias, with the Astronomy section being my most visited and most read part of the book (and the most dirty too, because I read them while eating). It was that area of science (and now I know, a subfield of Physics) that I was engrossed with the most, aside from Biology (which by the way, I got nerd about during my high school days). The best thing that I love about astronomy is looking at the pictures of these celestial objects, admiring their color, their shape, and their form, and fascinated about the fact that beyond our planet, there are bodies and formations that are stranger to us, yet so exciting to learn and to discover.

That is why my childhood dream to become an astronaut (yes, it is indeed childish). And was so determined to find a way to be one.

Yet while I was growing up, my career plans changed (I actually wonder how did it happen). From being an astronaut, I dreamed of being a lawyer (a more serious dream, I guess). And I prepared my career path that is geared to achieve that dream. Yet somewhere at the back of my mind, there is still the desire that if possible, I will change my plans and become an astronaut instead. Yet I was somewhat misinformed, as astronomers from a government agency told me during a star gazing activity in our high school back then that there is no course in the Philippines that could lead me into that career. I got sad, and decided to follow my other dream then - to be a lawyer. Which made my teachers surprised because I was the "science whiz" then, and a bit disappointed because I deferred and eventually rejected a scholarship from a department in the government which only accepts less than 300 out of thousands of applicants every year.

No, I don't regret being in the Social Sciences now. I am loving my course the more I take my majors. But with my choice comes a price. And yes, that is my childhood love of astronomy. No, I did not lose my interest in the Natural Sciences. I'm just anxious of taking science course due to the fear of having to learn Math, which is the language of Natural Sciences (and Social Sciences to, but only on the quantitative research part), which I realized as my waterloo since I took Math 17 (because it is required in our course, Political Science). But I'm still interested to learn, even just for appreciation of the natural world.

When that lecture was presented before the class, I knew that my childhood fascination is back, and with a greater intensity. As the pictures of galaxies, nebula, pulsars, stars and planets met our eyes, this long dead fascination of mine went alive. Indeed, I'm like a child looking at the pictures, never minding the chit chatting of my seat mates in front and beside me. It's as if I was alone, with the image of the vast universe in front of me. And that plan of being an astronaut or astronomer is again creeping into my head, now that I know that BS Physics, with a specialization in Astrophysics is the key.

While regaining the lost fascination, a new realization dawned on me. As the lecturer showed how small we are compared to the vast universe, I realized how blessed and lucky I am living the kind of life that I have, knowing that I'm just a small dot in the universe. I'm just a small dot, insignificant, yet God blessed me with this kind of life. Yet I still wake up everyday, go on with my life everyday, live my life everyday and experience this tiny world everyday. And I am a small dot.

Yes, I am indeed thankful to the One who made me. And also, I am determined to make the life of this tiny dot significant. That even if I am small dot, I can make great impact to other small dots in this universe. That this small dot will make great contributions to her society and her country, to affect the lives of the other small dots. That this small dot is someone her Creator will be proud of.

Not to this extent though *wink* *wink*

Back to the non-mushy side of this essay. Up to know, I am still sticking with the lawyering plan. But who knows? I might really decide to pursue my childhood fancy. For now, I will just be contented to be an avid fan of Astronomy - getting updated with the latest discoveries of planets and advancements in the filed, watching for ad actually observing astronomical phenomena, and observing the sky through my naked eye, and my Stellarium 0.11.1.