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I hardly had enough
sleep since last night. Things are in disarray in the house today. Dad says
that we’re going to move into another house in another town, about 80 miles
from our hometown. Mom says I’m going to meet neighbors and make new friends
there, that’s for sure. My sunny and bright smile will surely attract other
people, and that would be my charm for them to be kind to me and eventually
become my friends.
I was a bit reluctant to rise from the bed. I wanted to
sleep. But Dad’s coming, and surely, he will not be too much happy seeing me
tucked in my bed while he and mom are disassembling things they have built here
in our old home and carrying them into the big truck parked in front of the
house. Dad also told me to pack my things. That would be too many, and I do not
want anything to be left behind, especially my toys. I have lots of them.
Dollhouses are my favorite. Most often, I would play together with the kids in
the neighborhood. They bring their dolls with them and we play all day, until
they are called by their moms to go home for dinner. And I would keep my toys
in the storage box under my bed and head on to the table for dinner too. Now,
that storage box has to go to that big truck.
The rain has been going on for 3 days now. But today, drizzles
of it have only been falling, although there is still no hope of seeing the sun
again. It’s like the weather is with me in my reluctance of saying goodbye to
the old, yet warm house where I spent the entire days of my childhood. But
there’s no turning back. Dad has stepped on the gas pedal, Mom has locked in my
seat belt, and I am now going to say goodbye to the old house and to the nice neighborhood.
I fight my tears back, as I blankly stare at the car window, the view being misty
because of the rain that has long been drizzling, and because of my tears that
I’ve been trying to hide. Then the long journey has began, the exact length
being unknown to me as I have fallen asleep.
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I hear the joyful screams. I hear the childish laughs. I
hear the sound of the feet running. I can hear them in my room. I can hear the
children playing in the neighborhood.
I’ve always looked at these children playing every afternoon
near our house. They play a different kind of game, different from what I used
to play with my friends back in our old house. I’ve always wondered how they
seem to enjoy those kinds of games, despite not having those beautiful and
fancy toys that I have. They do not play
with dolls, nor dollhouses, or miniature dinning or kitchen sets. But what do
they have? Tin cans, slippers, tiny balls that they toss to and fro each other,
long elastic strings which they jump in to, and even the entire road, where
they draw these boxes, or lines, and they would run into them, stepping into
the lines they’ve drawn. Or they would have nothing; they’ll just run after
each other, chasing one playmate after another, until all of them are
exhausted, sweating and panting. But I would see the joy in their eyes, the
fun-filled atmosphere that they have with each other.
Day by day I would peek into the window, watching these children
play, first with curiosity, then with a deep desire and eagerness to play with
them too. I’ve looked at them, thinking if I could play the games that they
play too. I know my Mom is staring at me every afternoon, and I know she knows
how I feel.
I still play with the toys that I have. But now that I do
not have someone to share them with, I feel lonely, that I started to put them
away instantly. I still love these toys though, and still want to play with
them, but the more I play with these toys, the more I feel sad, because I
remember my old playmates back in that old neighborhood. I still miss them.
Yet everyday, I look into the window, seeing these children
play. I want to make friends with them. I want to play with them. I want to
learn the games that they play. And I also want to share with them my
dollhouses, my dolls and my miniature collection sets. I’ve always wanted to
ask permission from Mom, but I am afraid she might scold me.
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Right before Mom could finish her sentence, I hurriedly
opened the door and ran for the gate. I can’t believe it! I can now play with
the children in the street! I opened the gate with so much excitement and
eagerness. And there they are, playing their usual games, with the boxes and
line drawn in the street.
Am I welcome in this neighborhood? Are they going to accept
me as their friend? I started to get anxious as I walked near them. What if
they don’t like me? My knees started to feel weak.
Then a girl taller than me approached me and introduced me
to these children. I smiled, showing my sunny and bright smile my Mom told me
to flash before any new neighbor. They smiled back at me, and right there, I
knew that I belong here. I knew I have a place in their company. At that very
moment, they taught me the game that they are playing. I knew that the game
with the boxes and lines drawn in the street is called ‘patintero’, and that it is played with a team. I was instantly
made member of a team, and together we played the game. We actually won against
the other team. Aside from the joy of winning, I also felt the happiness of
being with this other children, this joy that I am part of a company – that I
belong, despite the fact that I am different from them, having those fancy
dollhouses back at home.
As the day passed, I learned the other games that they play.
I learned how to play chinese garter,
and ten-twenty – yes, those games
that use the elastic strings that I saw from afar. Tiring, because it requires
a lot of jumping and crossing that elastic string, while it being raised
starting from the foot to the head. Ah, yes, the game called ‘tumbang preso’, where there is an ‘it’ (taya), and he/she would guard the can
from being hit by the slippers of the other playmates. I am frequently the ‘it’
in this game, but I don’t care because I am having fun, and my playmates are
having fun as well.
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I was sitting near our gate after the usual street games
when you approached me. You wore that smile which I’ve never seen before. I was
tired after being the ‘it’ again in tumbang
preso, so I did notice you at once. You asked me if I could accompany you
to the beach nearby. I did not give you an answer, but smiled instead, while
wondering why you approached me and not the other playmates that we have. You
pressed on your question; I told you that I have not asked permission from Mom
if I could tour the village. Besides, I have anxieties when it comes to
newly-found acquaintances asking me to accompany them somewhere, as I have not
noticed you at once in the circle of playmates that I have every afternoon, and
you have not introduced yourself to me that first day that I was allowed to
play in the street.
The same question had been asked to me everyday we play in
the street, “Can you go with me to the
beach? It’s only near.” I was kind of annoyed to you because you were so
persistent in asking. I do not know what to answer, because I am scared Mom
would scold me if I go to the beach for it might be dangerous, or if I go home
late afterwards. But I am also curious on why you are so persistent in asking
me to accompany you, when in fact you could ask our other playmates. Yet that
same insistence made me agree to go with you to the beach. I remember seeing
you smile, with your eyes, as I said yes, to your question. Pure happiness of a
child is in your face, and I laughed about it.
The trip commenced after all our playmates have gone home
for some water break. We sneaked into the street leading to the vast sands of
the beach nearby. For the first time, I have been out somewhere with somebody
other than my parents. We walked, carrying our slippers, in the white sands of
the beach. The sun was just about to set, and its orange rays are creating a
masterpiece in the yellowish-white sky, along with the clouds. We sat on a log,
staring at the vastness of the sea, marveling at the beauty of the sunset in
front of us. Then you began the conversation. You asked some basic information about
me, and I to you as well. And before we knew it, we were already laughing,
giggling and sharing stories about how our parents are, especially when they
get angry. Since I left that old neighborhood, I have never spent time as this
with other people. And I admit, I have never been this happy since then. I felt
that the happiness in me as a child is back, for I knew that I have found a
buddy, a true buddy among my playmates who I can share everything with. We
waited until the sun has totally set before heading home.
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The fireworks are lighting the midnight sky. At the
street are kids excited to light the fountains that they have scattered in the
street. To me, this is the most joyous time of the year, for this is the start
of the year. I could jump as much as I can, hoping that I could get taller. I
could munch all the food in the table as much as I can, without thinking of Dad
or Mom to scold me for eating too much. After all, this is New Year.
The voice of my playmates was heard outside of our gate.
They were asking me to go to the street with them and play. They were all
excited to see me and play with me. Mom
is anxious to let me go outside, for the fear of the firecrackers that are
being lit up in the street, but Dad gave his permission, saying that today is
New Year, and I have the right to go out with my playmates and enjoy with them.
So I went out of the house with them, as they hand be their ‘luses’ blew their ‘torotot’
in front of my face. We are all having a good time, despite not being able to
play our usual street games, because of the firecrackers in the street. Then
out of the nowhere, you appeared, asking me to stand beside you as we counted
down the time until midnight. I did.
We have long been bonding since that trip to the beach. We
have shared stories with each other; we have known each other’s dreams – you wanting
to become a pilot and I to become a teacher. We have mastered sneaking from our playmates
during playtime and during those hours, we have gone into different places
together. Not only we have gone to the beach, we have also been into the town
proper and the town plaza. We have also walked into the public market, where
you would point at your favorite toys and me to mine as well. You like figures
of your favorite characters, especially those seen in the television. As for
me, I’ve shown you that I want the dolls in the boutique in the town square,
although we both squirmed at them because they are too expensive. And to the
most unimaginable of all places, the ‘enchanted’ forest in the mountains, where
we would cautiously walk, saying ‘tabi-tabi
po’, then scaring ourselves of what
would possibly happen to us being alone in that forest, and running like crazy
until we reach the main road. Then we would laugh about it and would start to
walk again to another destination. The quiet times are still present, and we
would go to our favorite place, the beach, and talk for hours. You have always
been vocal of how you would want to study in a university in the capital,
because you have been bored and used of the quiet life here in our town, while
I, coming from a town that is near the capital, would say that I am happy and
contented with the life here in our little town. Then we would talk about
something funny and laugh our hearts about it, while waiting for the sun to
set.
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It has started to rain. I can hear the howling wind from
outside. I haven’t paid attention to what Mon has been telling me all the time,
because I am already distracted with the weather outside.
Then she began shouting. Ah, I remember, I woke up late, so
that is why she is scolding me now. I also forgot to keep my toys in my storage
box because I have fallen asleep. Her voice is now loud, louder than the clap
of thunder outside. It creates a terror in me, and it makes me frightened of
her more. She’s now starting to speak of hurtful words, words that have pierced
my heart and started to make my eyes wet. I cannot take all the hurt that has
been inside me. I ran away. I no longer care about what she is saying, nor the falling
rain that has been getting stronger. I ran away, with only one destination in
my mind.
I knocked at your gate. I knocked once, and then twice, and
then thrice. Nobody answered. I called you out by your name. I called out loud.
Nobody answered. Nobody came to open the door. Now the rain has made my clothes
drenched. I am feeling cold, and I have chills. I still frantically called you
from the outside of your house. Still nobody answered. The rain has made my
face wet and cold, but I can still feel the warm fluid gushing from my eyes and
spreading to my face. Now I feel the hurt in me getting deeper. Now I feel that
I am all alone, and I am alone after all this time. And there is no one out there
for me. My Dad has been working tirelessly all day long and goes home late at
night. My Mom has just told me hurtful words. And my best buddy is not there to
comfort me, to dry my eyes, or at least give me an umbrella. My knees are now
trembling, and I now sat in front of your gate, the cries turning into sobs. I
do not care about being wet, I care about being alone.
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The weather has been fine again. A lot of my playmates are
outside, and I am about to go out there too. Although I am eager to see them,
and to play with them again, I am also anxious about one thing: you not being
able to open your gate to me on that rainy day. I am determined to ask you
today about what happened that rainy day.
I went out, and meet our playmates. Then I saw you, talking
to one of our playmates. Then you looked at me, and continued talking. I guess
I will only talk to you later, when the games have ended, or when we have
managed to sneak out. The games have begun, and we eagerly played and had fun.
We ran after one playmate to another, we have jumped and thrown our slippers to
the tin can. The children in all of us are all alive again, and our childlike
laughter has filled the streets again. Yet something is different in this
afternoon.
The games have been finished. As I approached and tried to
talk to you, you walked past me, and headed towards our other playmate, as you
head to your home. I tried to call you, but you did not hear me, or did not
seem to. Now the hurt that I have felt
on that rainy day is back, and it is even worse this time. Now, it has dawned
on me that you are intentionally ignoring me. I fought my tears back. The hurt
actually deepened, and now it’s the only thing that I can think of. The thought
that after all this time, I am alone, and the buddy that I thought to be there
is actually just my illusion, is piercing my heart. I fought back the tears, I fought
them hard. But the next thing I knew is that my face has been all wet, and it hasn't rained.
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I am still going to our same old spot. Though alone. I am
still watching the sun set. Alone. It has been a week since you started acting
differently. Yes, you have ignored me completely. I have lost my best buddy. I
have lost my best playmate.
Yet, I am still here in our same old spot. And whatever
happens, I will still go here, everyday, waiting for the sun to set. After all,
I am still your best buddy. I am still your best playmate. And I will always
be.
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